A Week on Earth from ages ago

For about a year, myself and some comedian mates ran a gig called This Week on Earth, a weekly topical quiz show. It was the opposite of Good News Week: funny, insightful and poorly attended. This is an old opening script from one week (on Earth):

This Week on Earth 

14/02/07

Preamble…

English pride is back on the back page with a long waited success, and it’s fair to say, with the world cups taking place this year, it’s just what the doctor ordered. For poor rugby and cricket results, Take two victories, once every four years for an inflated sense of hope and optimism. If symptoms persist, please vilify coaches in all forms of media.

Side effects may include inflated egos, surprising results, and big falls from grace.

Paris Hilton is going to undergo surgery to correct a lazy eye after botched surgery two years ago. When you consider what Paris Hilton does for a living, that surely must be the most lethargic eye in the world to be notably lazier than the rest of her.

Robbie Williams has landed himself in rehab. It’s hoped that with extensive counselling and treatment, Robbie will emerge with the ability to get through the day without needing to produce another heartfelt ballad.

North Korea has struck an agreement with other world super-powers to close down production of nuclear arms in return for fuel. It comes as a great relief, particularly to South Korea, after revelations that Kim Jong had planned to create a race of ninja fighting Super turtles with ooze from the plants.

Results from a Family Planning Association survey released this week shows nearly one in three Britons think that if a woman jumps up and down, washes or urinates immediately after sex, she can prevent pregnancy. Another one in three believe contraceptives are the key, whilst the other third aren’t sure where the babies come from in the first place. The FPA says results were anticipated from the survey of the 2500 mothers aged 12-14