The Internet of Eggs

We’re on the cusp of another pretty incredible tech revolution. If you haven’t heard, it’s called the internet of things; a movement that will see all objects equipped with their own monitors to collect and transmit information to other objects within their network, the companies that made them, and the people who own them. It’s hyper-connectivity, and it’s coming home with you.

It might mean you get a text when you’re running out of milk, or an email when your pot plant need watering. Lights will adjust to the music you play, and art will be projected on your wall according to the weather outside.

On one hand, it’ll be nice to see the internet utilised for things that matter, rather than pornography and cat gifs. However there is a bigger issue at hand.

The way the internet of things is being sold to us is by appealing to our egos. Companies like Cisco tell us that we’ll be the king of the system; gifted ultimate control of everything around us, and the information to do it right.

But the idea that we are masters of it all is bullshit. What a total underutilization of the technology; having us in control of it all, when the algorithms in their technology used far outweighs our ability to make decisions.

It’s nothing more than a sell to get us to buy into the internet of things - to feel like we'll maintain a level of control, still being an integral part of the system. The reality is far different. Why would we automate everything but our role? It makes no sense.

The truth is that pretty soon after the internet of things takes hold, our role will become entirely redundant. In order to operate to its full potential, it needs to cut us out of the deal. The machines will talk to one another, and they’ll be getting shit done way more effectively than we ever could.

Of course, there still needs to be the illusion of control.

It’s like packet mix for cakes. If you’ve ever made one, you’ll know that packet cake mix needs an egg to make it. There has been the technology to include the egg component in the mix since packet mix was first invented. However, by leaving the responsibility of cracking an egg to the “baker”, there is a sense of importance and responsibility derived that wouldn’t exist if we were just to add water.

That’s why the internet of things will resign mankind to a of future ‘packet-mix humanity’. We will fulfill a purely token role, passengers in life, under the illusion we are in control when the reality is the results and outcomes of our existence are largely controlled by everything else around us. And that’s when we shall experience a new revolution, or more accurately, devolution. Seven billion different components all collecting and transmitting information to one another - The internet of eggs

Framing the future of advertising.

They say the consumers shape the future of advertising. I say more specifically, it’s their attention spans do. So if we want to know what the future holds, all we have to do is look back in time.

I’d have loved to advertise to the cavemen. Those guys had crazy-long attention spans. For them, entertainment was a week spent stalking a woolly mammoth til it was riddled with enough spears to make it look like an 80’s cheese platter, at which point it would keel over and die, and only then would the show be over.

In the Roman era, plays would last for days. And it’s not surprising. Men were killed on stage back then, it takes a while for the plot-line to bring the crowd back around to a harmonious finish. They also had to have an interval whilst the blood dried. Health & safety has always been a hassle.

Over time, performance-length dwindled. Operas only lasted for a measly six hours. Plays pushed out to a few hours at most. The 90 minute film was born. Half-hour TV slots were shortened to 22 minutes, interjected with a series on intervals, or ‘ad breaks’ as they were known. YouTube gave rise to the 5 minute hit of entertainment, which has been stripped back to 1-2 minutes as the medium evolved. The spread of Vine is yet again threatening to condense audience attention spans, this time to just a few seconds.

It’s said a picture speaks a thousand words, but a six second video only speaks 140 characters; so it’s fair to say the future is condensed. In time, we’ll see content shrunk to shorter and shorter mediums until one day, our attention spans demand stories that are so short, there’s only time for a single frame. They’ll then be mounted and displayed on every surface visible to man. It’s inevitable.

So, if we can learn anything from history, it’s this: Print media isn’t dead, we’re just not ready for it.

Being connected sucks.

Connectivity has changed things- I used to check my phones for texts, get home and check my emails. There was excitement and anticipation. I had to wait til I got home before I could be disappointed.

Not anymore.

Now I've got a smartphone. Now, I carry all that stuff around with me. There's undeniable proof that no-one, nowhere in the world is trying to get in touch with me.

The only way people contact me outside my smart phone is by mail. And the only I get in the mail these days is my phone bill.

Australia- A nation of beer drinkers?

Drinking beer is an Australian tradition as old as cirrhosis itself. The whole world knows that Aussies love nothing more than sipping a cold fosters on a hot day.

It is weird that Autralia’s about the only place in the world where Fosters isn’t readily available. Imagine going to Mexico and finding out no-one’s ever heard of a taco. Or that Egypts Pyramids are photo-shopped in. Or in Rwanda, that Genocide’s actually a genre of music. And Child soldiers are just Rawanda’s answer to The Tin-Lids.

But drinking beer is as Australian as it gets; smashing tins, getting slabbed. Sucking stubbies. And it’s important. It’s a rite of passage in this country.  

Although, people say getting pissed is an empty, meaningless, rite of passage. Thing is, I’ve got a mate he’s Aboriginal, and in his tribe they become men once they’ve been circumcised with a rock. Fuck that. I don’t care how empty my ritual is. Pump my stomach call me a man. Cos that sounds freakin heavy!

Mind you, i guess the thing about having your knob smashed with a rock,  at least that’s a pretty clear line in the sand. Instead of a series of stupid drunken actions over a number of years that go on and on, til one day you’re sitting in a police cell dressed like Donald duck (nude from the waist down) and you realise it’s time to grow up. , they just go Flop. Whack! What am I doing with my life?

But drinking beer as youngsters, or passion pop for the girls, it’s an important training for later in life.

Cos have you tried getting drunk in Australia recently? It’s a mission.

If you go to a licensed establishment in Australia, you can drink, but you can’t get drunk. If you get drunk, you can be fined. If they give you a drink when you’re drunk, they get fined.  If you don’t leave when you’re drunk, you get fined. If they don’t make you leave when you’re drunk, they get fined. If you drink in public you get fined. If you’re drunk in public you get fined, and if you just get drunk at home, help is what you need to find.

So when people say, “have a drink and everything’ll be fine”, they’re nearly right.

It’s almost like they don’t want us to drink. Almost.

Do you know the parable about the donkey and the two piles of straw. The donkey is exactly half way between each pile. And each one looks so perfectly delicious, that the donkey can’t make up its mind about which one to eat. I think the alcohol issue is like that for the government. On one side they’ve got the perfectly delicious prospect of banning alcohol, and getting rid of so much domestic violence, car crashes, vandalism, fighting, noise pollution and a stack of other social issues. Mmm, yum. But on the other side lies the tasty tasty prospect of limitless revenue raised by licences, alcohol tax, fines and infringements. Mmmmmm. Now in the parable, the ass dies of starvation cos he can’t make up his mind, the moral being indecision will get you nowhere in life. But in our version, as the donkey waits, he gets fatter and fatter and fatter, until one day simply by wobbling its bloated torso form one side to the other in can gorge itself on both piles of straw whenever it pleases. So i guess the moral there is drink up Australia, cos Julia’s hungry.

But we’re doing our part We drink alot. There's always a reason. It’s a  hot country, we’re thirsty people. I’ve earned it, I need to relax. I need to forget. I’m stressed, I’m relaxing, It complements the food, it makes the girls prettier. It’s my birthday, it your birthday, it’s a weekday it’s the weekend. He’s born. He’s Dead. He’s risen again. It’ll cure the hangover. It’ll bring back the memories. I love you. He’s gone. Happy Christmas, Easter, new years, anniversary, hanaka, holidays, hindu festival of light. We just knocked off, we just clocked on, we’ve got ages to go. I’m leaving, You’re coming. Why not?

We’ll drink anything too. I was younger, I used to drink cream sherry of an evening. I don’t regret it. Without that and a front verge I may still be a virgin. People pretend that they have standards, they’ll only drink dutch pale ales, or I can’t enjoy this Semillon unless it’s in a reidel. but anyone who’s ever been to a good houseparty knows, at the end of a night you could put a bottle of vodka and some tinned fruit in the toilet bowl, and the only issue would be ‘Are there any more cups?

But in the last ten years, there’s been something of a revolution. You’re more likely to see a cardboard cup in someone’s hand than a tinnie. The perfect roast is no longer a meat. We don’t thirst for ales, we long for lattes. The staple of our rough and ready nation comes with a special lid so we don’t burn our lip. And the fact that no-one bats an eyelid when you order a soy-chai latte is a testament to how much this country has changed.

So beer drinkers? We are not.

Real estate scam

The original email...

Mercy Bruno to rich

show details Jun 28 (3 days ago)

Hi Rich,

Thanks for your email and interest. I just arrived in Essex, England to start my new job, i wont be back any time soon but i still intend renting my place out because i want my home to be kept alive in my absence.

About the place, it is a three bedroom pet friendly house plus a study room with furnished but you can rent it furnished or unfurnished depending on what you what you want living areas, in-door laundry and a nice back yard area. It is located at 16 Tamarama Street
Bondi NSW 2026, not far from public transport,Shopping complex and train station.

About me, I am an Australian professional statistician working for a reputable organization. I don't smoke or take alcohols but i don't mind people taking that around me. I really need someone to rent the place asap because my job doesn't really give me time to stay around that much. I am not in the country currently but i can ask for a one week leave from work if i get a serious tenant interested in my home as i am with the keys here in the U.K and handing over the keys to you on your move in will be the only reason i will be returning home just for a few days.I couldn't afford to leave the keys to my place behind knowing that i will be away on duty for a while.

I attached pictures of both outside and indoors because the place is locked for now and you can go view the place from outside to see if the place will suit your taste.I wanted to sell the house before since i will be away for a while but later changed my mind renting it out just to keep the place alive. The rental fee is $450 for the whole place depending on how long you want to stay because i will not be coming home for some time if you will promise keeping my place clean, all bills are included in the rental fee and down payment for a month is also acceptable and a bond which is refundable as fee for damages.The way i want to rent out my place is more like a house sitting rental process, hope this is understood. Feel free to call on me and my husband in the U.K +447024029855 for more details.Hope to hear from you soon, have a wonderful day.

Thanks,
Mercy&Richard

My response...

Wow Mercy, that is fantastic news. 

My Grandmother and I are very excited to see the place. It makes me very happy that you allow for pets as my Grandma has many, many cats. I feel as though this is a limited opportunity, perhaps I can pay the bond now and if I decide the house is not entirely satisfactory, you will refund it to me. Does this sound like a good deal? I would not like to miss out on such a woeful, i mean wonderful, opportunity.

Please write back soon as my Granny is not too well and we are keen to get her off the streets and into a warm house.

Most fine regards

Rich

The Reply...

Hi Rich,

Thanks for your email and interest. I want to let you know that i wont be staying at the house, you will have the place to yourself as long as it is kept nice and neat. I have also resolved to rent the whole place to you and you can move in as soon asap so i will like to know your expected length of stay because i will not be coming home to settle down any time soon. I promise to bring the keys with me to welcome you in on the day of your move in, my word is my bond.To hold the place, you will have to fill and complete an attached agreement form with the required two weeks rental deposit of $900 and a bond of $1800 is also required along with the two weeks rent to be paid, the completed agreement form and rental deposit will be sent to my cousin currently in Darwin on her email address ann.alexiou@rocketmail.com .I will be glad if all move in procedures are done in Australia so your documents and payment can have insurance once payment is made into my cousin's account. This will enable me hold the place for you as there are a lot of people interested in my place. I also need to be sure you are really interested and ready to move in. Kindly note that the bond payment requested is refundable when leaving the place, it is just a fee normally required for damages but if nothing is damaged when leaving my house then the bond money will be refunded to you. I will be home to welcome you on arrival to your new home and am sure you will love the warm reception.

You can reach me and my husband on our phone number in the U.K on+447024029855. I hope hearing from you soon with your intentions about you arrival and move in. I attached my picture and i will appreciate your picture or any references from you if you have one. Do have a wonderful day, cant wait to meet you to welcome you to your new home.
Best Regards,

Mercy&Richard

My Reply...

Oh Mercy!

Thank you for your speedy reply.

So you may know, your absence is not an issue. How ever it is a shame you sahll not be there as you are a healthy-looking woman in your photo. You remind me very much of my dear Aunty Scamula, she fell sick and passed away last year when her mojo got infected. Have you lost any family to infected mojos?

My concern for the house is paying the first two weeks rent before I see the house. You see, I have enough saved for the bond, but I am holding on to some other money for my Granny, as she is deeply ill now, and the weather on the streets in Sydney is becoming uncomfortable for her. She says she has not felt this bad in all her 92 years.

Would it be possible to pay simply the bond first, then the rent if I decide I like the house?

Also, could you send me a photo of your cousin in Darwin so that I know I can trust her as I trust you?

How is the work as a statistician at the reputable company going?

Stay close

Rich

My Photo (I'm the one in the spectacles.)

The Response

Hi Rich,
Thanks for getting back to me with your interest. I have informed my cousin Ann Alexiou about your intentions of renting my home and also resolve you can pay the refundable bond of $1800 due to your explanation and sincerity so kindly contact her on her email address ann.alexiou@rocketmail.com
and you will need to forward your completed agreement form to her once it is completed so she can start preparation of your lease document for your move in and also provide you with her pics. I am currently planning for my departure from here so once payment is confirmed by my cousin, i will be on my way to come welcome you into your new home. I have confirmed renting out the place to you and i am sure you will enjoy the living conditions. Your interest seems sincere and genuine so we have approved your move in.So i hope this is fine with you. Have a nice day and i hope to hear from you as soon as you contact my cousin, cant wait to see you.
Best Regards,Mercy& Richard.

My Reply

Mercy ,

Jesus Phenomenon Guru. I appreciate your speedy reply again. It fills me with one thousand smiles. I thank you unjustly for understanding my situation, but I feel that you haven't taken the time to throughly read my emails. If I am living in your house, I would like to know you well. As I will answer any questions you have of me, so to do i desire you to answer mine before we can move forward. The questions I've asked so far are...

Does this sound like a good deal?

Have you lost any family to infected mojos?

How is the work as a statistician at the reputable company going?

Please answer me these questions so I can feel I know you, then I will send the agreement to your cousin in Darwin at once.

Also, I have made a picture of me in your house and we are having a party and we are both smiling and we are listening to the music and we are getting ready to dance and everything is great. Do you like it?

Yours in greatest hope,

Rich

Fingers crossed for more to come...

Grandad Brophy comes to town!

My Grandad was in town last week. All eighty-six years of him. And to quote a massive cliche, he's still got it. Sharp jokes, flirtatious behaviour with waitresses, and a part in his hair that'd put Moses to shame.

I hadn't spent a lot of time with him for a few years, since leaving Oz in 2004. He and my Nanna did make a brief sojourn to Ireland where I drove them around the country side. It was essentially a nap on wheels though, with the pair of them occasionally waking for a coffee and cake stop (as is the wont of old people), as I twisted and turned through southern Ireland trying not to crash into their "quaint stone walls". My favourite memory of the trip was my Grandads wanderings, where we'd track through the streets only to find him chatting so some distant relative of a Christian Brother that my Grandad once met. This happened repeatedly.*

I spent some time with Grandad as my Nan got towards the end earlier this year. His spirit was irrepressible. In what was probably his finest quotable hour, he rocked up to the hospital ward to announce that outside it was "cold as a Christian charity". He told us Nanna had instructed him that if he was going to drive to the hospital after the function at the village, that he'd better not drink. "So I walked." And when he called up for test results from an unhelpful nurse he said down the line "Give it to me straight, Sister!"

I've got alot of respect for the old boy, as I reckon we all should, given their vast life wisdom (even if it is occasionally mixed in with chat about 'the darkies'.). But as we sat enjoying meals and coffees together over the last week, I was a bit torn. Do I let him just chat away, regaling tale after tale as it comes to him? Or do I interject with my opinions? Cos the thing is, I don't want him to think I'm some baggage relative that brings nothing to the table, so he then has to carry the conversation for the both of us. But at the same time, nothing I have to say has any gravity considering my relative life experience. Isn't his story about chasing an emu for CSIRO in the outback for miles only to catch it, tag it, and it fall down dead: Isn't that way more important than my discovery that you can make cheese on toast by turning the toaster on its side? Surely his story about a great uncle who helped map a pass through the Blue Mountains holds more weight than my tale of getting off at Museum station, only to discover the museum is actually closer to a totally different station? I know for a fact that his friends passing away means way more than my mates passing out ever will.

I guess the presence of those who have amassed huge amounts of life experience should be humbling. In the same breath, it should also be entertaining and frustrating. Cos that's how life is. Humbling. Entertaining. Frustrating. And old people are full of life. And we might as well enjoy that of them before their cup runeth over.

*The only other time I've been faced with this predicament (besides trying to leave a festival with a pilled up mate who insists of having deep conversations with every one they walk past. We've all been there. In both roles.) was when I travelled around northern Spain with my Dad. Despite me insisting the only language I spoke was conversational Portuguese, my old man decided I spoke fluent Spanish, as he subsequently told all manner of old Spaniard as he dragged em back towards me to answer his trivial question about the kind of stone in the arches of the church. What a mission. Oh, and in case you're wondering, es piedra arenisca.

Plastic Monkeys

I’ve got a bit chubby of late. It’s not cos I’m depressed or I’m lazy or cos of some obscure medical condition. It’s because I go to the fridge or the cupboard, pull something out, and my mind goes “We really don’t need this.” And I go “(chew-chew-chew) I agree. (chew-chew)”

This is the reason I’ve put on a few kilo’s. Greed in the face of rational thought. Indulgence in the face of reason. Doing worse when I know better. It’s pretty pathetic.

Of course I’m not the only one on this wide and beaten path. It’s becoming a quintessentially human characteristic, nay, ability. To do the wrong thing when we know exactly what the right thing is, and how to do it. Who needs better judgement when you’ve got immediate action?

As the planet tilts and threatens to let us all slide into oblivion, we stay strong; Pursuing our worldly dreams and occupations in the face of evidence that doing so will relegate our species (or a vast majority of it) to the scrap heap.

Why?

In a small industrial town in Lebanon, Yariv runs a factory. The factory produces plastic monkeys. Not big ones. Tiny little ones, with one arm up and one arm down. They are hung off the side of cocktail glasses in cheesy holiday resorts, to add a bit of fun and flair to the drink. They’re used once, maybe treasured briefly by kids, then discarded. The plastic is cheap and brittle. They wouldn’t last for long, even if you did use them again.

Every now and again, Yariv sits in his office, on his beaten leather swivel chair, staring into the middle distance. The world is dying, he thinks. Should I try and help save it? Do people really need that added trinket on their drinks? That fleeting moment of novelty before they suck back yet another Mai Tai? Maybe I should stop. The plastic is toxic once it starts breaking down, and I’m pretty sure they don’t dispose of them properly. I could make the whole world that tiny bit healthier. Safer. Cleaner. If I just do my bit...

Then the phone rings. It’s another order. Time to go back to work.

We do what we do because it’s easier than changing. But if nothing changes, and no-one changes, the world turns into the Friends box-set. An increasingly predictable and repetitive series of situations that numb the mind and soul til you just wish it was all over. I guess what I’m getting at is that the end of the world and David Schwimmer really aren’t that different. So unless you want to see Ross from friends rise to prominence once again, YOU NEED TO CHANGE YOUR WAYS BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!!!

You have been warned