The "Hide the Ham" Game

Keeping sibling rivalry fresh can be difficult. Once you've left sand in their bed, changed their girlfriends number to your's in their mobile and set their wallet in jelly, it can be hard to come up with new things. A recent trip home for our dad's 60th presented a new opportunity. A rogue piece of ham was left over after a typically indulgent Brophy family lunch, and the only way from stopping myself from eating it was coming up with a more satisfying using of it. And so Hide the Ham came to be. The game is pretty straight forward.

1. Take one piece of ham.

2. Hide it somewhere in your siblings belongings. It should be somewhere that they have a chance to find it before it starts to smell, but not necessarily.

3. Once they find it, they hide it in your belongings, and the game continues.

I'm staying with my brother for a month during the Melbourne comedy festival, so stay tuned for the increasingly hides and seeks of Hide the Ham.

Play it yourself and let me know how it goes!

If you don't read this, someone you know will.

Everything causes cancer. Red wine. White wine. No wine. Whining. Winning. Losing. Soothing. Moving. Standing still. There's an old saying, the more you know (that causes cancer), the more you know you don't know (that causes cancer). I'm pretty sure that's the saying anyway.

There's more and more cancer being found thanks to advancements in the field of diagnosis. But I'm not sure that's the only reason. Maybe we're just a bit weaker than we used to be. My old man spent his childhood without suncream. He'd get burnt to a crisp day after day of each long Australian summer. He got skin cancer. But only once. I've spent my whole life putting cream on, along with most of my generation, and one of my mates has just been diagnosed with skin cancer.

It makes me think. Does suncream stop skin cancer? No. Does suncream cause skin cancer? Maybe.

That would be weird. Remember the old black and white footage of kids in a pool being sprayed with asbestos to prove it was safe? That went pretty pear-shaped.

But what if suncream does cause cancer? Years of government warnings to Slip, slop, slap.

Apply it liberally. Put it all over your face. Put it on the childern. Lots of it. On their faces. Rub it in. Into their faces.

That'd be pretty hard core. And not particularly amusing. Unless you're twisted. But it's 37 degrees today and I'm about to go to the beach. I think I'll take my chances with suncream.

booze news for youse.

Okay Australia, I think you've had enough.

You've been drinking all day and you're a mess. Look at you. You're dehydrated. You're abusive. You're getting in fights and you're spending money you don't have. That's enough.

It's a common claim that alcohol is ruining this country. Crime. Violence. Domestic abuse. Car crashes. The drink's got a hold on us, but we can't hold it. Makes sense. But I don't think we should blame alcohol. Alcohol's done great things in the past. It's social lubricancy has kept the cogs of society running smooth for years. It's responsible for the birth of many of us. And at least once a year we read a great story about an elephant eating old berries and going on a rampage (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21432722/from/ET/). Alcohol's getting a bad wrap.

Alcohol isn't ruining Australia, Australia's ruining alcohol.

Our inability to stop when we're in a decent state makes us a country of messy boozers. It's not enough to get drunk, we need to get DRUUUUU(hic!)UUUUUUNK!

Why?

Is it the last thing we grab on to at night to prove our prowess in the macho arena?

"Six cocksucking cowboy's thanks"

Maybe.

Is it because we're rebelling against measures to slow down our drinking?

"I'm gonna stick it to the man. But first I'm gonna have one more..."

Possibly.

Is it because it's 'part of our culture'?

"Happy 21st. It's a funnel of goon."

Surely.

What ever the reason, it's no good excuse. We egg one another on to get blind, then we do stupid shit and blame alcohol. If alcohol had a choice, he wouldn't be mates with us after all the shit we lay on him.

Who crashed the car? Not me, I blame the alcohol. I didn't cheat on you honey, alcohol did. Nah, alcohol brought that street sign home.

I'm just saying sometimes it's not alcohols fault. It's yours, dickhead.

But only sometimes.

Cheers.

Bullying On The Circuit

It’s been a long month in Edinburgh for almost everyone involved. Whether it’s been successful or miserable, wet or dry, cheap or expensive, drunk or sober; It’s been a long month. And it’s an easy month to get swept up in nothing but what’s going on in that little city. I didn’t know the Olympics had started for most of last August. It’s a shitload of fun but it has its trappings, I think we can all agree.

So this is a quick note to some people who’ve lost their self awareness.

This year in Edinburgh a well known comic got a zero star review. I haven’t seen the show so can’t comment on the show or the review. I also don’t want to comment on the widely read rebuttal of the review. It might be sitting on the fence, but I think that those aren’t the most important issues.

I’ve read on facebook, a lot of people having a go at the comic. Generally taking the piss as well as having a personal dig. I also know of several comics who went to the show to take the piss in person, laughing in the wrong spots and heckling in one way or another. I think it’s pretty sad to see people who are meant to be grown-ups taking part in out-and-out bullying. I understand if you don’t like the comic or the show, everyone’s entitled to their opinion. But I think having a go in public behind someone’s back is not only an awful thing to do, but also an awful indictment on those people’s character.

It’s easily done, I understand. We all talk about other comics at gigs or in car journeys. It’s an insular industry and sometimes we need to vent our frustrations with the circuit. But I just feel like this is taking it a step too far. It’s a considered attack on one of our peers, there’s no two ways about it.

We’re comedians. Probably two-thirds of the circuit has come through some form of bullying. It comes with the territory. I would have thought we’d have the self-awareness, or at least the humanity to not kick someone whilst they’re down. Surely, someone you don’t like, losing money and confidence in probably one of the hardest months of their career, should be enough to appease your ego. Taking it further is only regressing. And when you’re using someone else’s failure to quell your own insecurities, nobody wins.

I’m not having a go at anyone in particular. I’m not trying to champion the comics case. There’s no vested interest or ulterior motives. I just think we need to remember to have a bit of respect for one another, not as comics, but as people.

I know this sounds wanky, but I just think it’s an important thing to keep in mind.

Money Time!!!

Isn't it weird that clocks count up and not down? You know, like a timer counting down to your final moment of life? That'd get you out of bed in the morning.
"Wanna go watch Sex and the City 4; Life's a Manhattan?"
I don't think I've got time for that.
"What is the time?"
A quarter to dead. I really should go.
We've decided not to focus our lives on time, the most limited resource we have, but MONEY. Everything we do is dictated by money. Everything, every day. You buy your alarm clock. You have to pay for the hot water. You bought your breakfast cereal and paid for a travel card for the bus. You work to get money, where you purchase your lunch, and get in some over-time for some extra dough. You come home to your rented house, watch a DVD you've hired, then eat some food you've splashed out on before lying down in the bed you bought and thinking about how you're going to get ahead.
This isn't the way it should be.
Money shouldn't be the centre of our universe, our Time should be. And that's why I think we need to use Time as a currency. Lets attach a value to the minute, make it a global currency and let equality be rolled out to the masses.
"I worked for 90 minutes."
"Well done John Terry. Here's £90 for you. And Ng, you did 100 hours stitching Nike's this week, you get £100."
I work 20 minutes a night, I'd probably take a hit for global equality. If the money was good.

Cocky f*ckers, those homos.

We are an arrogant bunch, aren't we. Mankind. there's not really anything else that shares our cockiness. Animals aren't arrogant. You might get a pigeon that waits til your really close until it flies away, but is that really arrogance? Sure, hypothetically we could eat it. We are Man. We eat what we want. But that's not exactly the height of conceit. The height of conceit, that would be going to the ocean dressed like a seal and floating around thinking that "No shark would eat me!" Surfers are far more arrogant than a pigeon will ever be. Until I see a pigeon dressed like a hamburger, then they'll be catching up.
But aren't we right to be arrogant? We're Homo sapiens. Two Hundred thousand years and we're still number one. But it's gotta be more than that.
How else can we justify our self belief?
Not enough death or disaster. If we were to all be properly rattled, like a meteorite hittiing the Earth, that might put us in our place. But science'd explain it away as a natural disaster and we'd continue upon our priveliged way. I think science has alot to answer for in that respect. Cos a few hundred years ago, earthquakes, blizzards, hurricanes. That was Gods Wrath. That couldn't be explained away by science. That was the big guy upstairs ensuring we paid penance for our sins with a bout of heavy precipitation. But then science came along, with its reason and rational, and put nature in its place. Once we could explain it, we were one step closer to controlling it. Our personal stocks were boosted. Gods dipped significantly. Now, in this increasingly godless age, we have not only forgotten our place, we've forgotten it ever existed. But pretty soon we'll remember. Cos if this conceit continues, we'll never do anything about this "climate change bullshit." And the it'll be too late. We'll all be doomed, and we'll remember our place. It's down there with the worms.

Front-line inquiry.

Every time someone dies in war, there's an enquiry. Why?
If I go to Tesco, come back with shopping, I shouldn't have to explain myself.
If someone goes to war, comes back dead, Good. That's what wars for. That's how you know it's working.
I don't think it's funny that people are dying in war. It's incredibly tragic. I just think it's interesting that we live in a country where an inquiry is not a luxury, it's a right.
Cos I can't imagine it's like that on the other side. I don't think they have the same deal in Afghanistan.
Atash: Have you seen my I-Pod?
Babur: Dave's got it.
A: Well, where's Dave?
B: He's dead.
A: What?
B:He's dead
A: What happened?
B: He went to war.
A: And?
B: And now he's dead.
A: How?
B: Well, you know how in war, they've got guns and stuff?
A: Uh-huh.
B: Well, that's what killed him.
A: Well...well, it's not fair. I-I-I don't understand. We need to get to the bottom of this.
B: Uh, we're Afghani peasants. We ARE at the bottom of this.
A: But can't we get some sort of investigation. Find out what happenned?
B: Who's gonna pay for that? The government?
A & B: Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha!
A: Ooh, but seriously. Greg's a lawyer. Can't he do it for us.
B: Greg's dead
A: Dead?
B: Yeah
A: War?
B: Yep.
A: Bugger. (sigh) This is fucked. Why can't we live in a country where they let us investigate these things? Where no life is any less valuable than the other?
B: Because they won't let us in.
A: Well what about England?
B: They're the ones that killed Dave and Greg.
A: Oh, right. Ah well, I guess my I-pod's gone then.
B: What did you want it for anyway?
A: Oh, I'm just on my way to the front line, I wanted something to drown out the screams until I get killed.
B: Want my Walkman?
A: No thanks, I'd rather die in style.
Well, therein ends todays preaching, I hope you've enjoyed yourself.