A Week on Earth from ages ago

For about a year, myself and some comedian mates ran a gig called This Week on Earth, a weekly topical quiz show. It was the opposite of Good News Week: funny, insightful and poorly attended. This is an old opening script from one week (on Earth):

This Week on Earth 

14/02/07

Preamble…

English pride is back on the back page with a long waited success, and it’s fair to say, with the world cups taking place this year, it’s just what the doctor ordered. For poor rugby and cricket results, Take two victories, once every four years for an inflated sense of hope and optimism. If symptoms persist, please vilify coaches in all forms of media.

Side effects may include inflated egos, surprising results, and big falls from grace.

Paris Hilton is going to undergo surgery to correct a lazy eye after botched surgery two years ago. When you consider what Paris Hilton does for a living, that surely must be the most lethargic eye in the world to be notably lazier than the rest of her.

Robbie Williams has landed himself in rehab. It’s hoped that with extensive counselling and treatment, Robbie will emerge with the ability to get through the day without needing to produce another heartfelt ballad.

North Korea has struck an agreement with other world super-powers to close down production of nuclear arms in return for fuel. It comes as a great relief, particularly to South Korea, after revelations that Kim Jong had planned to create a race of ninja fighting Super turtles with ooze from the plants.

Results from a Family Planning Association survey released this week shows nearly one in three Britons think that if a woman jumps up and down, washes or urinates immediately after sex, she can prevent pregnancy. Another one in three believe contraceptives are the key, whilst the other third aren’t sure where the babies come from in the first place. The FPA says results were anticipated from the survey of the 2500 mothers aged 12-14

Couch

On my lounge I do recline, decline to activate.

In sloth I’m slung across its cushions, from 6pm til' late.

From there I access all the world, screens and chords entangle.

Not venturing beyond their bounds, my world is now rectangle.

Thick and comfy padding ensures posterioral-satisfaction,

My remote control and touch screen work my digits into action.

I can eat and sleep upon this isle, host any of my guests.

I’m loathe to leave to lavitate (though returning is the best).

Days and nights they come and go, through seasons warm and cold.

Although I’m quickly aging, this past time ne’er gets old.

If I could I’d never leave here, till all my days’ consumed.
I would. It’s good. I’m happy, in this so called “living room”.

Humans, sh!tloads of 'em.

Humans. Fascinating, enthralling little buggers, aren't they?

I've had a couple of moments in the past 24 hours where I've just had a wave of appreciation for what an incredibly diverse and eclectic group of individuals we really are.

There are squillions of us out there, all going about our business, thinking our own thoughts, on our own little missions. And the way it's struck me hasn't been the way it has in the past, like in London where you see a million people with their heads down, charging for the tube, thinking about little more than how they're going to get ahead. It's been more inspiring than that. I just think it's incredible that with 7 billion of us on the earth, we still manage to keep going about our business with a sense of importance.

Then again, why shouldn't we? I was stopped at the lights today and looked another cyclist up and down, and thought, Jeez, this guy is thinking completely different thoughts to me, informed by a completely unique set of life circumstances. And there are, again, 7 billion others doing the same thing, each with a unique history and outlook. That's pretty amazing. But if someone looked from the outside in, they'd probably look at us the same way we look at ants; all rushing around, as if there's something incredibly important to get done.

I feel there's something more profound to say, but I don't know what, so I'll say this. When you're on your way somewhere today, take a moment to look at somebody; observe them. Try and appreciate that just like you, they've had a multitude of experiences that have shaped their life, and got them where they are today. Then look at the rest of the people around you and comprehend that they all have the same incredible backstory. There's 7 billion more of these fascinating stories, and that's pretty incredible I reckon.

In a pinch from a punch? I think not.

There's been a gluttony of conversation around proposed, and now passed, "One Punch" laws.

I'd like to present a different skew to the reactionary diatribe.

I think we need to look at this and thank our lucky stars. Not for the laws, but for the action. Critics have called it knee-jerk politics, but given the paraplegic nature of our  government(s), the fact that their knee has jerked, let alone taken a step forward should be cause for celebration. 

How often do we watch with that all too familiar indifference as progressive ideas come to a shuddering halt in the halls of parliament? Ideas that could positively impact our lives, our culture or our future disappear as our shouts turn to yawns.

It's not just the fault of our politicians. Our own indignation is more likely channeled towards a slow browser loading than social injustice. Changing lanes without indicating gets people's blood hotter than human rights abuse. We're more likely to share a list than an opinion on the environment. Is it any wonder the media is such a flaccid figure when we're never in the mood for hard news?

On the odd occasion that the media, the government and the people converge on a topic with more than lip service, and something actually happens, we should celebrate. Knee jerk politics is not an ideal way to live, but it does give us a glimpse of what a decisive political leadership might feel like. And with enough knee jerks, we might just stumble into a future we're proud of. 

(Please excuse the formal language, I've spent the week writing copy for a university)

The existence of God is imminent.

To put it extremely lightly, the existence of God can divide a room. If I put it any lighter, that statement would float.

The generally accepted school of thought for the believers is that God created stuff, that’s why we’re here today. Cool, fair enough.

Non believers say that God is simply a construct in our minds, created to help us make meaning of our existence.

Thanks to this divisive issue, wars have been fought, blood shed and arguments had. It’s driven families apart and schools into disarray. Makers of holy bread and bullets seem to be the only ones thriving.

But what if both sides are wrong. Or more accurately, both right?

As leading futurists and general talkers of sense suggest, we are moving towards a state known as singularity; where the gap between humans and machines shrinks to nothing and we become one. Instead of having phones in our hands, they’ll be in our head, that kind of thing. A purer example would be uploading our minds and conscious to computers where they can be stored and operated s indefinitely, giving rise to (a version of) immortality. Already, machines have been developed to respond to brain impulses and provide feedback straight to the brain. But as we move towards a state where humans and computers become one, the interconnectedness creates a global state of consciousness. All that has ever been known, we will all know. All that can be seen, will be seen by all.

This is a long way around to explain that I think we’re evolving into exactly what we claim God to be. All knowing. All seeing. All understanding. I don’t think God was the starting point for humanity I think it’s the end point.

What happens after that though, God only knows.

The Internet of Eggs

We’re on the cusp of another pretty incredible tech revolution. If you haven’t heard, it’s called the internet of things; a movement that will see all objects equipped with their own monitors to collect and transmit information to other objects within their network, the companies that made them, and the people who own them. It’s hyper-connectivity, and it’s coming home with you.

It might mean you get a text when you’re running out of milk, or an email when your pot plant need watering. Lights will adjust to the music you play, and art will be projected on your wall according to the weather outside.

On one hand, it’ll be nice to see the internet utilised for things that matter, rather than pornography and cat gifs. However there is a bigger issue at hand.

The way the internet of things is being sold to us is by appealing to our egos. Companies like Cisco tell us that we’ll be the king of the system; gifted ultimate control of everything around us, and the information to do it right.

But the idea that we are masters of it all is bullshit. What a total underutilization of the technology; having us in control of it all, when the algorithms in their technology used far outweighs our ability to make decisions.

It’s nothing more than a sell to get us to buy into the internet of things - to feel like we'll maintain a level of control, still being an integral part of the system. The reality is far different. Why would we automate everything but our role? It makes no sense.

The truth is that pretty soon after the internet of things takes hold, our role will become entirely redundant. In order to operate to its full potential, it needs to cut us out of the deal. The machines will talk to one another, and they’ll be getting shit done way more effectively than we ever could.

Of course, there still needs to be the illusion of control.

It’s like packet mix for cakes. If you’ve ever made one, you’ll know that packet cake mix needs an egg to make it. There has been the technology to include the egg component in the mix since packet mix was first invented. However, by leaving the responsibility of cracking an egg to the “baker”, there is a sense of importance and responsibility derived that wouldn’t exist if we were just to add water.

That’s why the internet of things will resign mankind to a of future ‘packet-mix humanity’. We will fulfill a purely token role, passengers in life, under the illusion we are in control when the reality is the results and outcomes of our existence are largely controlled by everything else around us. And that’s when we shall experience a new revolution, or more accurately, devolution. Seven billion different components all collecting and transmitting information to one another - The internet of eggs

Framing the future of advertising.

They say the consumers shape the future of advertising. I say more specifically, it’s their attention spans do. So if we want to know what the future holds, all we have to do is look back in time.

I’d have loved to advertise to the cavemen. Those guys had crazy-long attention spans. For them, entertainment was a week spent stalking a woolly mammoth til it was riddled with enough spears to make it look like an 80’s cheese platter, at which point it would keel over and die, and only then would the show be over.

In the Roman era, plays would last for days. And it’s not surprising. Men were killed on stage back then, it takes a while for the plot-line to bring the crowd back around to a harmonious finish. They also had to have an interval whilst the blood dried. Health & safety has always been a hassle.

Over time, performance-length dwindled. Operas only lasted for a measly six hours. Plays pushed out to a few hours at most. The 90 minute film was born. Half-hour TV slots were shortened to 22 minutes, interjected with a series on intervals, or ‘ad breaks’ as they were known. YouTube gave rise to the 5 minute hit of entertainment, which has been stripped back to 1-2 minutes as the medium evolved. The spread of Vine is yet again threatening to condense audience attention spans, this time to just a few seconds.

It’s said a picture speaks a thousand words, but a six second video only speaks 140 characters; so it’s fair to say the future is condensed. In time, we’ll see content shrunk to shorter and shorter mediums until one day, our attention spans demand stories that are so short, there’s only time for a single frame. They’ll then be mounted and displayed on every surface visible to man. It’s inevitable.

So, if we can learn anything from history, it’s this: Print media isn’t dead, we’re just not ready for it.