GILLARD’S CASTLE ™

"Welcome to the show! Are we excited? Then let’s put our helmets on, cos it’s time to play Australian politics!"

Am I the only one that feels Australian politics has turned into a crazy Japanese gameshow? Hapless contestants try unsuccessfully to jump through hoops as political commentators say everything they can to embarrass them and throw them off their challenge.

In the first round, we put half the poli’s on a seesaw and see if they can keep both ends off the ground. Sounds easy, except there’s also gonna be a crazy sumo-wrestler in red bungers trying to knock them off, starting with the contestants with the weakest principles. This one’s called “Balance of Power”

In the second round, whoever’s leading digs a giant hole in the ground and sells the dirt. Then, they have to buy back the stuff made from the dirt, and after a while, chuck it back in the hole and hope there’s enough to fill the hole back up. It’s called “Hole in the System!”

In the third round a union leader will put you in a choke-hold, and it’s up to you to see if you can do what he says, or else the grip gets tighter. It’s called “From Behind”

And in the final round, contestants will try and drive around an obstacle course in a hilarious tiny car as the opposition sit in the passengers seat and points out, not how you should go around the obstacle, but rather the problems with the way you did in fact get around each the obstacle as you pass it. It’s called “Back Seat Griping”

And for the winner today, is a huge prize! Not only will you take home a great big dose of voter dissatisfaction, but also a feeling of helplessness to go with some old, old rope tied exclusively around your wrists by country Independents. Here on AUSTRALIAN POLITICS!!!